you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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