did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
