IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize