pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
