eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I party with great urgency now.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
