Kareoke will never be a sober sport
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize