So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Don't make out with my wife yet
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
