So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
