I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
a search helicopter?!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
