I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
