I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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