I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
