mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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