Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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