you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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