How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
