What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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