dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
