You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
