I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize