i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
whose parrot is this?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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