where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
