Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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