hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
