I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
