Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
