I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
