Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
