it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
