college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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