Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
