Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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