Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
