I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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