Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
