Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
