His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We need a shit load of segways right now
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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