goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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