ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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