so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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