Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
