took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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