Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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