three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I have already put on my inside pants.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
