: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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