I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize