I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
