ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Farmville is her only friend.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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