Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
