A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
