yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
