we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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