I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
