I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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