her vagine was all disorganized.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize