you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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