fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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