Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
