Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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