Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize