9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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